CAST
GLENN CLOSE, BRENDAN GLEESON, AARON JOHNSON, JANET McTEER, JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS, MIA WASIKOWSKA

WRITTEN BY
JOHN BANVILLE, GLENN CLOSE, GABRIELLA PREKOB; GEORGE MOORE (SHORT STORY)

PRODUCED BY
GLENN CLOSE, BONNIE CURTIS, JULIE LYNN, ALAN MOLONEY

DIRECTED BY
RODRIGO GARCIA

Good intentions can only do so much and in the case of Albert Nobbs it is not nearly enough to save this bore of an awards baiting movie from consuming itself in its own worth. Meanwhile, Glenn Close delivers an embarrassingly desperate, pretentious, gender bending performance that tarnishes rather than solidifies Close’s career as one of Hollywood’s most respected actors.

CAST
PAUL BETTANY, LILLY COLLINS, CAM GIGANDET, STEPHEN MOYER, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, MAGGIE Q, KARL URBAN

WRITTEN BY
CARY GOODMAN (SCREENPLAY); MIN-WOON HYUNG (GRAPHIC NOVEL)

PRODUCED BY
MICHAEL DE LUCA, JOSHUA DONEN, MITCHELL PECK

DIRECTED BY
SCOTT STEWART

Priest blended two boring subjects – anti-Catholicism and vampires – to make for an uninspired action-horror hybrid, which only confirmed that Paul Bettany should not be starring in action movies and director Scott Stewart (of Legion fame) is not deserving of such big budget fodder.

CAST
SHIA LABEOUF, PATRICK DEMPSEY, JOSH DUHAMEL, ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY, FRANCES McDORMAND, JOHN MALKOVICH, JOHN TURTURO

WRITTEN BY
EHREN KRUGER

PRODUCED BY
IAN BRYCE, TOM DESANTO, LORENZO DI BONAVENTURA, DON MURPHY

DIRECTED BY
MICHAEL BAY

Loud, incoherent and featuring incredibly bad performances from Shia LaBeouf down to John Malkovich, Transformers: Dark of the Moon squanders any potential this franchise had at its inception. Michael Bay continues to prove his inability to make anything remotely adequate out of a $300 million budget, while his perverted drooling over model turned “actor” Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is just creepy.

CAST
TAYLOR LAUTNER, ROBERT PATTINSON, KRISTEN STEWART, BILLY BURKE, ASHELY GREENE, JACKSON RATHBONE, KELLAN LUTZ

WRITTEN BY
MELISSSA ROSENBERG (SCREENPLAY); STEPHENIE MEYER (NOVEL)

PRODUCED BY
WYCK GODFREY, STEPHENIE MEYER, KAREN ROSENFELT

DIRECTED BY
BILL CONDON

Can the end come soon enough? While Twilight: Eclipse made some ground in creating a watchable entry in this tween vampire saga, Breaking Dawn: Part 1 destroyed whatever progress was made with this convoluted, passionless take on teen love facing its biggest obstacle: child birth via vampiric coitus. Whatever notion that Oscar nominated director Bill Condon could do something with this material is stabbed in the heart and burnt to ash.

CAST
AMANDA SEYFRIED, BILLY BURKE, JULIE CHRISTIE, SHILOH FERNANDEZ, LUCAS HASS, MAX IRONS, GARY OLDMAN

WRITTEN BY
DAVID JOHNSON

PRODUCED BY
LEONARDO DICAPRIO, JENNIFER DAVISSON KILLORAN, JULIE YORN

DIRECTED BY
CATHERINE HARDWICKE

The only thing worse than a Twilight movie is the clone of a Twilight movie. Cue Red Riding Hood, a new adaptation of the classic fairy tale made into a tween romance between Amanda Seyfried and two potential suitors, terribly portrayed by Shiloh Fernandez and Max Irons. Directed by Catherine Hardiwicke, this Red Riding Hood is a toothless werewolf tale of less passion and even less intrigue.

CAST
RUSSELL BRAND, JAMES MARSDEN, HANK AZARIA, GARY COLE, KATY CUOCO, HUGH LAURIE, ELIZABETH PERKINS

WRITTEN BY
CINCO PAUL, KEN DAURIO, BRIAN LYNCH (SCREENPLAY); CINCO PAUL, KEN DAURIO

PRODUCED BY
MICHAEL IMPERATO, CHRISTOPHER MELEDANDRI

DIRECTED BY
TIM HILL

Exactly how a film about an animated Easter Bunny who can play drums, crap jelly beans and is voiced by wild child Russell Brand can be so bland is a mystery. Yet such is Hop, a film that was more Alvin and the Chipmunks than Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and even managed to turn the likeable James Marsden into an irritating douche of the worst kind.

CAST
TAYLOR LAUTNER, MARIA BELLO, LILLY COLLINS, JASN ISAACS. ALFRED MOLINA, MICHAEL NYQVIST, SIGOURNEY WEAVER

WRITTEN BY
SHAWN CHRISTENSEN

PRODUCED BY
DOUG DAVISON, ELLEN GOLDSMITH-VEIN, DAN LAUTNER, ROY LEE, LEE STOLLMAN

DIRECTED BY
JOHN SINGLETON

The aim of Abduction was to prove the leading man credentials of Taylor Lautner, with the film made specifically for him. It makes sense then that this poor excuse for an action thriller was a charmless, plodding, and poorly executed mess that managed to take a supporting cast of Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina and Maria Bello and turn them into a laughing stock. Yet the biggest laughs were saved for Lautner, who managed to bomb in his own film and set his career back significantly.

CAST
ADAM SANDLER, EUGENIO DERBEZ, KATIE HOLMES, TIM MEADOWS, AL PACINO, NICK SWARDSON

WRITTEN BY
STEVE KOREN, ADAM SANDLER (SCREENPLAY); BEN ZOOK (STORY)

PRODUCED BY
TODD GARNER, JACK GIARRAPUTO, ADAM SANDLER

DIRECTED BY
DENNIS DUGAN

After watching Jack & Jill two questions arose: the first is just how do Adam Sandler and Dennis Dugan continue to make movies? And second, what incriminating evidence does the pair have on Al Pacino to make him sign up for such drivel? That Pacino worked his thespian magic in a hilarious turn saved Jack & Jill from being a total Turkey. That Sandler though playing brother-sister twin was funny proves that the man is clearly insane.

CAST
THOMAS DEKKER, HALEY BENNETT, KELLY LYNCH, ROXANNE MESQUIDA, JUNO TEMPLE, CHRIS ZYLKA

WRITTEN BY
GREGG ARAKI

PRODUCED BY
GREGG ARAKI, PASCAL CAUCHETEUX, ANDREA SPERLING

DIRECTED BY
GREGG ARAKI

Take made for TV quality production value, a copy of Twin Peaks, and a big bucket of KY. Throw it all into a filthy pot, stir and poor over a steaming pile of crap and you will get Kaboom!, director Gregg Araki’s latest LGBT cinema presentation aimed to give its audience a quirky and sexy ride, but instead delivers a pretentious and weird sci-fi tale about “too cool for school” college kids bed hopping at every given moment as the apocalypse approaches.

CAST
EMILY BROWNING, ABBIE CORNISH, SCOTT GLENN, CARLA GUGINO, VANESSA HUDGENS, OSCAR ISAAC, JENA MALONE

WRITTEN BY
STEVE SHIBUYA, ZACK SNYDER (SCREENPLAY); ZACK SNYDER (STORY)

PRODUCED BY
DEBORAH SNYDER, ZACK SNYDER

DIRECTED BY
ZACK SNYDER

This is what happens when a successful filmmaker gets free reign on his own big budget movie.

Zack Snyder made a career successfully adapting previously known works (Dawn of the Dead, 300, Watchmen) to the big screen. Armed with his own script (co-written by Steve Shibuya), Snyder went about to make the women-on-a-mission movie Sucker Punch, which starred Emily Browning as an institutionalised teen who uses the power of imagination to break free from her confines.

The end result was an over the top mess, complete with repellent exploitative fantasy of young hot bods in teeny, weeny, tight fitting costume firing automatic weapons as if it were a magna comic book come to life. Its main selling point of visual extravagance gets boring very quickly, with CGI set pieces providing nothing in the way of awe or thrills. Meanwhile the screenplay proved to be an undercooked mess of repeated scenarios.

In the end it all falls apart, as we are left wonder: “Just what will Snyder do to Superman?” Shudder at the thought.